"What do you have without Me?"

Dedicated to my precious friend, Sarah

I remember the day like it was yesterday, and I think I always will.  My daughter, Courteney, was in horrific pain - pain that makes you rush your child to the E.R. or call 911.  But I couldn't do either, because I knew no one could help her...every doctor that we had worked with in Cleveland, Ohio was out of answers for her gastrointestinal pain.  So, it was a day of choosing that I'd rather her be home and miserable than suffer at a local Children's Hospital.  Episodes like this had been going on intermittently at this point in her life, but for some reason, this day was exceptionally hard.  It was hard emotionally and spiritually.  I remember crying to God that day asking Him to heal her of this pain.  I would remind Him of His sovereignty and that He had control over everything.  His sovereignty was one of the very first attributes of His that I had learned as a brand new Christian - as a teen mom of a very sick child, five years earlier it had brought me much needed comfort.  But this day, it made me angry, angry at the fact that my child was suffering and hurting and I could do nothing about it.  Enough was enough. Have you ever felt that?  I am sure most of us have...we may not admit it, but most of us have had those feelings.

I finally literally through my arms up at God as I paced my living room and said aloud to Him,
"I am done!  I am done!  If this is Who You are then I want no part in it.  I am done!  I am not a Christian anymore!"  I was so serious and I was so sure of my decision.  Minutes later my phone rang, and it was one of my friends.   I shared with her what was going on with Courteney and what I had just declared to God.  "Can I pray with you?"  "Sure...", as I rolled my eyes and listened with a distant heart.   The prayer ended and we agreed to talk soon.

I sat in my living room by my precious, hurting little girl and I heard the inaudible voice of God in my heart and mind.."What do you have without Me?"  What an interesting question...interesting enough that in my mind I began contemplating that very thought, "what do I have without Him?"   My marriage was a Christian marriage, God was the source of our love, our commitment, and our vows...so my marriage would likely fall apart.  Most of my closest girlfriends were believers and so our deep friendships were rooted in our commonality of loving Jesus and studying His word together week after week...so I would probably lose my friendships, or at a minimum they would look much different.  I would still have a very sick, suffering child without Christ, except I couldn't tell her about Heaven or Hope.  If I really was giving up on Jesus, I would never be able to look into those big brown eyes and

Courteney and those big brown eyes

bring comfort to her with the Hope of Christ and the Hope of Heaven and the promise of Restoration.  I would never be able to tell her that He is working all things for her good.  No, my decision to leave Jesus wouldn't just be my decision, it would spill over to everyone I loved dearly.  In humility my conclusion became that "I have nothing without You."

What changed my heart that day wasn't just those moments of recognizing how much I would lose without Jesus...the change in my heart that was even more profound was when I realized my Lord's grace and mercy and loving kindness toward me.  Here I was throwing my hands up at the God who gave me those hands, yelling at Him with the voice that He gave me, crying to Him in desperation and rage with the tears that He gave me the ability to have...and what does He do?  He calmly, lovingly, peacefully, patiently, and graciously asks me one simple question.  I think if He had been in front of me, He would've pulled up a chair, held my hands, and looked into my eyes...that's how tender He was to me when I least deserved it.  He would have been just to give me what I asked for, to give me what I thought I wanted...but He didn't.  He gave me Himself.  He brought me back to the realization that I wouldn't know how to do this life for a minute without Him.

The day that I almost walked away from Christ, ended up being a day of falling back in love with Him. My circumstances didn't change in that moment, but I was indebted to the God who loves me when I don't deserve it.

Ladies, we've all been there.  Maybe your "wrestle" with God didn't look exactly like mine.  But, when we see this world and the suffering in it, we will have those moments of asking God "why?", of pleading with Him to make it all better.  I will be the first to admit, that I will likely wrestle with God til I die and go to Heaven.  The truth is, I am exposed to suffering often, whether it be in my home with my children, or my schizophrenic father whom I care for, or the families I meet at children's hospitals, not to mention how many funerals I have been to where the caskets are smaller than they should be....suffering is inevitable and it can be heart-wrenching.  Let's just call it what it is, it is sad. BUT, I rejoice that I serve a God and have a relationship with Him that if I need to bang my fists on His chest and cry and ask "why?"  He can handle my "whys" and He desires to comfort me and to show me his loving-kindness.

I am so grateful for John 11 - the scripture on the death of Lazarus.  Jesus is told that his dear friend, Lazarus, is sick.  Even when Jesus gets word of how sick Lazarus is, he stays in the town he was in for two more days.  When he finally heads back to Judea to Lazarus, he informs the disciples that Lazarus is dead, but He is going there to wake him up.  When Jesus arrives in Judea and is met by Mary, Lazarus' sister, who is weeping along with other mourners, the Bible tells us that Jesus "was deeply moved in His spirit and troubled."  When Lazarus' sisters took Jesus to the tomb where Lazarus lay dead, verse 35 tells us that "Jesus wept."  Most theologians say that His weeping wasn't for

Lazarus, but rather, for Lazarus' sisters.  To me, what matters most is that, JESUS WEPT.  He wept! His heart was moved and troubled because others were hurting.

See, that day that I was ready to call it quits on Jesus...I had remembered His sovereignty, but forgotten His love and His tenderness.  I had forgotten that my God weeps over suffering, sin, hurts, and death.  I had made Him into this Creator that could care less that my child was hurting - could anything be further from the truth?  The Bible is full of scriptures that promise us that He is near the afflicted and that He is abounding in love.  And we must remember, that our Jesus, according to Colossians 1:15, "is the image of the invisible God...." and Hebrews 1:3 "is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of His being..."   Every bit of love and compassion that we saw Jesus display on earth is because in John 5:19 He says - "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by Himself; He can do only what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does."   He is God the Father in flesh, He is a reflection of the Father's mercy and grace.

These are the truths we must remember so that as we suffer in this world and witness suffering, that our hearts too can weep over pain and heartache and mourn with those who mourn as Jesus did. It must be the cry of our hearts that we would allow suffering to draw us to Him, needing Him, and realizing that ultimately, we have nothing without Him.

Amen!!

Blessings,
Christine